Washington, DC – White House staffers are still struggling to get President Biden to stop referring to Vice President Kamala Harris as “The Help.” With the crisis in the Ukraine, the economy in recession, and Covid-19 cases on the rise, one would think that the Executive Office of the President had enough on its plate. However, more and more staff members are revealing that they are spending an inordinate amount of time dealing with President Biden’s inability to recognize his vice president as anything other than a servant.
“With Uncle Joe,” said an intern who wished to remain anonymous, “you learn to look the other way on a lot of things because you still believe in the cause. Whether he’s tucking ten-dollar bills into the front of your blouse or accusing you of stealing his magnifying glass, you accept that he can’t help it. That’s just who he is. The problem comes when he starts doing that stuff in front of outsiders. Not everyone is going to keep their mouth shut. Jenny has been a godsend.”
Jennifer “Jenny” B. Dillon, one of the president’s assistants, has been lauded for being quick on her feet to cover up and redirect the conversation away from embarrassment when the president mistakes VP Harris for the help. Once while hosting members of the NAACP, Biden tried getting the vice president’s attention by snapping his fingers and holding up his empty glass.
“Jenny just yells, ‘Oh, hey! The President wants us to raise our glasses and toast our wonderful Vice President!’ The Secret Service wish they could react so fast,” said the intern.
When asked about the issue, Vice President Kamala Harris nodded her head slowly and said in a mechanical manner, “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” before rolling her eyes and sighing.
The most recent blunder came during a dinner with middle eastern dignitaries when President Biden motioned Vice President Harris over to clear away the dishes saying, “We’re done here.” After some awkward looks and exchanges between the guests, Dillon jumped in and addressed the translators directly saying, “Yes. We’re through talking. Now is the time for action.”
“It was a weird moment,” said Chief of Staff, Ronald A. Klain, “We’re all nervous, but the dignitaries were pretty chill. I think Joe might have won some points with the Saudis for the way he treated [Vice President Harris] who, thankfully, jumped out of the way before [Biden] patted her on the ass.”
Addressing the issue has been a total team effort. First Lady Dr. Jill Biden has been drilling the president daily using flash cards and awarding him with puffy stickers for correct answers. Previous efforts to utilize puppets proved unsuccessful when the president could not bring himself to stop giggling. A major sticking point has been the phrase “civil servant” which is proving particularly confusing to President Biden.
“Thank god we own most of the press,” the first lady said after an exhausting 3-hour session. “I’ve got to hand it to our friends at MSNBC and the New York Times. They’ve been stalwart through so much, ignoring Joe’s verbal gaffes, his naked wanderings after his night terrors, and constant push-up contest challenges. And it doesn’t hurt that Fox News is only watched by drunken hillbillies. But still, it wears on you over time.” “I can’t believe we’re still going through this,” said Senior Advisor Cedric L. Richmond as he took a long pull from his hip flask, “You’d think we’d catch a break after it took us eight months to convince [Biden] that Kamala and Michelle Obama were two different people, but no.”
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