Austin, TX – A Texas jury Thursday ordered conspiracy theorist Alex Jones to be forced to listen to himself read poetry for no less than one thousand hours — significantly less than the ten thousand hours being sought — for repeatedly claiming the deadliest school shooting in U.S. history was a hoax. The Infowars host threw his head back, tears streaming from his eyes as the pronouncement was read aloud. Fortunately for those present, Jones’ mouth was stuffed with cotton batting to muffle his gruff wailing.
“These poor people have suffered enough,” said Judge Gregory Kynes, “I’m not going to subject anyone to that. It’s bad enough that we had to hear him during his testimony.”
During the trial Jones was the only person to take the witness stand to speak in his defense. After ten minutes of Jones gravelly whining, two jurors had to be treated for tympanic hemorrhaging, and a third began vomiting onto the jurors seated in front of her, which had a cascade effect. It was clear that something had to be done. After a lengthy recess Jones was relocated to an adjacent room and forced to hoarsely whisper into a tin can on a string. Although still irritating, it was deemed acceptable enough to allow proceedings to continue.
After the sentence pronouncement, Jones’ attorneys declared their intention to appeal the verdict. Lead attorney, Andino Renal, brought up the Eighth Amendment when asked to comment on the verdict. “Having to listen to himself speak for any length of time is the very definition of ‘Cruel and Unusual Punishment.’ My best paralegal threw herself out a window after reviewing just a few hours of his cellphone conversations. This is beyond the pale.”
Attorney for the plaintiff Mark Banksten scoffed at Renal’s remarks, “That’s nonsense. He should have gotten ten times that. May I remind you that our initial request was that he was forced to listen to himself sing Foreigner’s greatest hits. That’s what he deserves. I want to see the look on his face as he hears himself singing ‘I Want to Know What Love Is.’ That’s what justice would look like.”
During the trial, Banksten brought up the fact that [Jones’] fans actually pay for the privilege of listening to his speak which prompted a violent outburst from Jones’ attorney.
“Objection, your honor!” Renal barked, slamming his fists down in front of him. “These people are clearly sick. If you found someone who ate [expletive] you wouldn’t declare [expletive] an edible food! You’d say that these [expletive] eaters need psychiatric help!”
The judge sustained the objection and ordered the jurors to strike the statement, but it was not clear how effective the [Expletive]-Eater defense was at persuading members of the jury to show leniency to the defendant.
Alex Jones will have a brief reprieve from listening to his bombastic croaking as the process moves to an arbitration panel to select the poetry used for the punishment. The panel consists of Dr. Sheryl Angstein, Professor of English Studies at Texas A&M, Dr. Mimzi Claruta, Professor of Classics at Concordia University, and Major Roderick Stephens, Head of Enhanced Interrogation Analytics for the CIA.
Outside the court, Jones whispered into the ear of his spokesperson who repeated his words to reporters. “I admitted I was wrong. I admitted it was a mistake. I admitted that I followed disinformation but not on…” he said before the spokesperson appeared in distress, pink vomit spurting between his teeth and out his nostrils, before he crumpled to the ground in a pool of blood.
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