Gainesville, FL –Rescue teams are working around the clock to retrieve trapped victims of a toppled Carvana vending machine. The official death toll stands at 27 with over 80 people injured and many still missing.
At approximately 7pm on Thursday, 56-year-old Mark Francheska was seen violently pounding on the Carvana vending machine located adjacent to Applebee’s. Area man Doug Smith was passing by and approached Francheska to see if he needed assistance.
“He’s all red-faced and out of breath. He points up at this Cadillac that’s just dangling there. He starts trying to shake the thing loose and I just walked away, like whatever, man. Good luck with that.”
Minutes later, Smith said he heard [Francheska] scream, then a giant crash as the entire structure came down, followed by even more screaming with people running for their lives.
“I should have recognized how massive a 1987 Cadillac Brougham is and how it really messed up the balance of the machine. I think the other side had a Civic or something. Christ, that’s a recipe for disaster.”
The Applebee’s restaurant which had stood in the shadow of the Carvana vending machine is now little more than rubble and kitschy decorations strewn in all directions. Search and Rescue dogs have been little help in the effort as they have been distracted by the many shareable appetizers mixed in with the twisted wreckage and bodies. Even Gremlin, a veteran German Shepard considered the finest rescue dog in the state, could not be coaxed away from a slowly congealing puddle of Queso Blanco.
Applebee’s spokesperson Linda Tomache addressed reporters on a video call saying, “Everyone here at your neighborhood Applebee’s hearts go out to the victims of this unforeseeable accident. It’s so tragic. We’re currently running a special on all-you-can-eat riblets starting at just $12.99 and includes your choice of sauce, French fries, and an order of coleslaw. It’s such a great deal that the place was just packed with people looking to get in on this limited time offer. It was the perfect storm.”
Not everyone sees this as a freak accident. New Jersey high school chemistry teacher Roy Braden was quoted earlier saying, “I think [Francheska] got what he had coming. There’s a huge 5-foot sticker right on the thing warning you to not to tip or rock the thing. I only hope that his death serves as a warning to others.”
Carvana CEO Janet Minge addressed reporters earlier pledging to take steps to ensure that this tragedy never happens again, “I’ve already been on the phone with our head of safety who has promised to increase the size of the warning label to over 10 feet tall. I’d also like to point out that many of the cars in the Applebee’s parking lot were also destroyed in the accident. I would like to personally extend an offer to any of the survivors who lost their vehicles for an additional 10% off Carvana’s already low prices on our quality pre-owned automobiles. It’s the least we can do.”
19-year-old April Scanlon burst into tears as Paramedics extracted her fiancé Chad Mahoney from beneath the wreckage. Pronounced “still alive” at the scene, Mahoney is unable to feel anything from the chin down.
“I’m just happy he’s alive,” Scanlon said, “I saw the whole thing. I screamed at him to run but he insisted on finishing up his current bite. He took a lot of pride in timing his meals so he could get the full taste of riblet, fry, slaw, and Diet Coke in every rotation all the way to the end of his meal. I grabbed at his arm but could see he had just taken a bite of riblet and knew he’d want to at least get to the slaw. Now I just hope he’ll walk again.”
Representatives from local law firms arrived just before paramedics and were quick to point out that Carvana has insurance specific to toppling indicating that they were aware of the problem. “They knew this was going to happen eventually and chose to cover their ass instead of fixing the problem,” said this reporter in an effort to paraphrase.
Injury attorney Meredith Spencer says that Carvana doesn’t deserve all the blame, “Applebee’s is not off the hook. They purposely made the all-you-can-eat riblet deal dine-in only. We’ll never know how many lives could have been saved if they allowed carry-out.”
Just before midnight firefighters discovered the lifeless body of Mark Francheska, the man at the center of the disaster. His head and torso had been crushed in the accident. Ironically the 1987 Cadillac Brougham was less than an inch from his flattened face on the other side of two-inch thick shattered glass, still out of reach.