Latimer, MS – A prominent doctor vows to open an abortion clinic in a filthy Mississippi back alley in order to comply with conservative vision for America. Dr. Singa Rassami spent the last 14 years in Encino, CA providing safe, affordable abortions to women in need. But with the recent overturning of Roe v Wade, he realized he needed to change with the times.
His new “clinic” will soon have its grand opening in the alley shared by Dynasty Chinese Buffet and Dusty’s Bowl-o-Rama. The location caught his attention when a local news story reported that the area had been a haven for intravenous drug users and the illegal dumping of corpses.
“When I personally witnessed two rats fighting over a human foot, I knew I found the right place,” said Rassami.
Since he announced his intentions to create an authentic pre-Roe experience for his patients, Rassami says he has been inundated with offers to help fund the installation. However, he has pledged to turn down all funds thus far in order to ensure the integrity of his vision.
“If we’re drowning in cash, we might be tempted to purchase modern tools free of rust or some sort of antiseptics. It’s also important that any assistants have little-to-no training in medicine.”
His first two recruits come straight from the adjacent businesses. May Lee brings experience in freshening up trays of entrees like kung pao chicken and has offered to share cutlery from the dirty kitchen where she will continue to work part-time. Doug Bryant has worked over ten years at the shoe rental counter and claims that his experience with the luster wax machine leaves him completely inadequate to providing quality healthcare. The current plan is to have both assistants rotate between the roles of dumping the fetus bucket and standing lookout.
Receptionist Nancy Weller is the only employee to come from his old practice in Encino, “When (Rassami) shut down the clinic most of the staff was understanding that he has a calling to serve as an ambassador to women’s health of yesteryear. He’s so brave to embrace these retro techniques from several decades ago.”
“Just because something’s been discredited and led to countless terrible outcomes is no reason not to turn back the clock,” said Rassami from behind an operating table consisting of upended garbage cans next to the used grease dumpster.
Local support has been strong. Councilwoman Mary Chandler addressed an enthusiastic crowd at the local Caribou Club bake sale, “Not only are local law enforcement looking forward to the bevy of bribes, but local businesses, from motels to restaurants, can expect increased patronage as knocked up ladies arrive from across the state to have their insides torn to shreds in the most unsanitary way.”
State health officials announced that pregnancies have skyrocketed in the area as women vie to be the first to have an illegal abortion performed when the clinic opens. Weller stated that nearly a thousand entries have been submitted to the lottery system set to choose the scheduling order.
Nineteen-year-old Wendy Watkins is one of the hopefuls, “I cannot wait to see the look on Debbie Ganz’ face when I get toxic shock syndrome before she does.”
Rassami took a moment to reflect on his endeavor while he littered the asphalt with hand-selected broken malt liquor bottles, “My grandmother would be so proud that I was able to bring women’s healthcare back to the good old days.”